Brent v Daniel, Jackson v Sam: MAFS stars bloody boxing fight | James Weir recaps

Veneers have been smashed and silicone face filler has splattered on the floor as former Married At First Sight villains entered the boxing ring last night to rumble in Melbourne, a city usually celebrated for its culture.

More than 1,500 rowdy spectators gathered for Fight At First Sight to cheer but mostly boo as Jackson Lonie and Daniel Holmes - the villains from this year’s season of the controversial Channel 9 reality show - faced off, followed by the main event of Brent Vitiello and Sam Carraro.

MAFS contestants of yore sat ringside at tables purchased for $3,500 and inhaled free booze in scenes reminiscent of the show’s weekly drunken dinner parties. It was Married At First Sight after-dark - where things got messy...er. As Muhammad Ali famously said, you’ve gotta float like a butterfly and sting like a Botox needle.

“I wanna see ‘em all get punched in the face tonight, to be honest,” MAFS alum Sarah Roza said. She was sitting ringside and had just finished FaceTiming underworld figure Mick Gatto.

“We’re in this vortex of this reality TV madness and I suppose anything could happen. The last time they had one of these MAFS fights, there was more drama outside of the ring than inside it. Sam punched someone across the table.”

Life as a Married At First Sight contestant is like living in a carnival fun house version of the Marvel universe. Sitting at one table was Olivia Frazer (the controversial ex-wife of boxing challenger Jackson) and Carolina, who was married to the night’s other fighter, Daniel. Also on the table was Jessica - Daniel’s first wife on the show, who dumped him a day or two after their wedding. Seeing them all together was like seeing Deadpool, Spider-Man and The Hulk hanging out in an airport lounge.

Other MAFS ghosts haunting the arena included Cody (the guy who said he wasn’t attracted to the Asian woman he was matched with) and Tamara (the girl who said she’d never date someone who worked in retail). Former contestant and eternal toddler Al Perkins shuffled in and promised to do a shoey.

The show’s 2021 villains, Bryce Ruthven and Melissa Rawson, arrived late and sat on the opposite side of the ring.

“We’re keeping a low profile,” Melissa admitted. “Keeping away from all the drama that’s been going on tonight. I’ve heard there’s been a bit of cattiness amongst the girls.”

She said there was an issue between Tamara and one of the other ladies because one greeted the other only to be served an unwelcome glance.

Maybe the differences could be sorted out in the ring?

“I would be worried about all the MAFS girls with breast implants,” Sarah Roza mused. “There’d be explosions. Punch ‘em in the lip and filler would squirt outta their ear.”

Frankly, the boys faced a similar risk. But at least their damaged veneers could be tended to promptly.

Dr Dee - the celebrity dentist who frequently takes on Married At First Sight contestants as clients and replaces their teeth with fake ones - was a major sponsor of the boxing match. It makes sense. First he fixes their teeth, then he helps facilitate getting them punched out so he can fix them again. And the wheel goes ‘round.

Nearing midnight, the Beyonce-quality stage lights illuminating the boxing ring faded to black. The full house of punters started to cheer in anticipation of the showdown.

“We love trash TV and we’ve got all those motherf**kers we saw on the television right here,” punter Ashley Mackenzie, 27, said.

“I really wanna see Sam f**kin’ smash Jackson. We saw Sam fight last time and he fought a f**kin’ giant. I thought Sam was a fat c**t, to be honest - he looks like a fatty. But he came out here and he f**king smashed the f**k outta this guy. Jackson is here for an upset.”

Sam was the first to walk the runway into the ring, followed by Jackson, who entered to The Lonely Island song, I Just Had Sex.

Ding, ding, ding! The bell rang and the first round was underway.

“C’mon, Jackson! Smash the bastard!“ someone yelled as the boys sized each other up.

The one minute and 30 second round ended with no major blows. Just some light dipping and diving. It was the same for the second round. In the third, Jackson threw a punch around the 30 second mark and Sam dropped to the mat. It wasn’t particularly hard. Still, the crowd went wild.

“F**k you, Sam! F**k you! Ya smart arse c**t!” a grown man screamed.

“That was a clean KO,” the commentator said of Jackson’s knockout win, which made it sound more intense than it was.

But these boys were just the warm-up act. The main event was Brent and Daniel, who still apparently hate each other from their time on this year’s season of MAFS.

Antoni Topic, the promoter behind the event and co-founder of Team Ellis Boxing, said the fellas were the ultimate opponents.

“The main thing for a good fight is to have beef behind it, a bit of history,” he said.

His dream celeb contestant? “Maybe, like, Curtis Stone,” he said of the cheery celebrity chef from the Coles ads.

Boos echoed around the pavilion as Daniel strutted down the runway and into the ring. Those jeers turned to cheers for Brent.

The bell dinged and the boys began circling each other. There were swings and soft swipes. Ducks and dives. Mostly, they just exchanged smouldering looks.

“Are they gonna kiss?” one punter furrowed her brow.

Round one ended with little drama. Brent somehow got a black eye and bloody face cut from a headbutt that no one really saw. The only major thing to pack a punch was a surprise cameo from Brent’s ex-wife Tamara, who jumped through the ropes and entered as a ring girl, strutting around the mat in tiny lycra shorts while holding a giant cardboard sign displaying the upcoming round number.

The action in round three didn’t ramp up. The bell rang out and the match was over. After deliberations, the judges declared Daniel the winner.

“Doubt me now! Doubt me now! Doubt me now!” the champion yelled into the microphone as the crowd booed.

Brent made his way backstage to lick his wounds. The smell of Deep Heat and bruised ego was thick in the air.

Did Brent see stars when his ex Tamara got in the ring to troll him?

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“There’s nothing that girl won’t do for attention,” he said, wiping the blood from his weeping face wound.

Indeed, some people will do anything for attention.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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